When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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