It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
