When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just invented taco cereal.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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