ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
