i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
