K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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