so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
