I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
