I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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