i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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