I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
