we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
