CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
