also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
