your parents love me but you hate me
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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