i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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