Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I touched a dick in church today
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
