my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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