I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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