I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
