I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
