Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
