I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
