I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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