Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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