I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize
