can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
