i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
