im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
