Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Randomize
