what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
