Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
