dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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