When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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