You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
