READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
