I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
