You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
