I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
