my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
