i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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