I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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