Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
