My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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