Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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