I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
