i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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