well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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