Need sex. Gaining weight.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Panties = found
Randomize
