2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Dignity is for republicans.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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