he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
