She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Randomize
