I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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