she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
