I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
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i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
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My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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